I lied to you. I wish I could make the biggest mistake of my life go away by drinking to my death, but I have to face it all and make myself ask this:
Where do I honestly go from here?
I didn’t ask you for help for anything the whole ten years of my self-made disaster, even when I thought I had it all. My selfishness is now my downfall, and probably my suicide, if I let it keep running its course.
When I cheated on my second love triangle between my ex and my soon-to-be ex, I just didn’t realize it. At all. But when I crossed the line on the paper by fucking lying to the teacher and myself…….That’s just when the shit hit the fan…..My brain wracked up so hard I couldn’t even think or breathe common sense into myself. Let me tell you and I something:
I knew, when day one came, not to do it.
But, did I listen to my prof or read the shit carefully? Hell. Fucking. No. I didn’t. I thought I was too fucking good at this, I thought I had it made, I thought I had it all. But, now that I’m standing back at plagiarizing myself into a failing grade, the biggest mistake of my life, the worst thing that ever happened to me ever…….I’m breathing, then asking myself, these 5 questions:
1. What was I fucking thinking?
2. Should I have done things differently?
3. What should I have done?
4. If God gave me a chance to start this over, would I do it?
5. Now that I failed you and myself, where do I go from here?
The answer to the first one is so easy…..I didn’t think nor did I actually intend to think.The answer to the second, as well: Yes, I should have asked for help when I had the chance to…..but I just mentally said “Fuck you” and lied to myself and to the prof…..
The last 3 questions…*sigh*
I wish God could answer them for me….. I wish I could look up plagiarism and then come up with a paper about why people should keep their own words and let the sources keep theirs. That would have been simple, a simple A+, if you ask me…..Then, I should have asked the prof about how plagiarism could kill a chance at a new life…..or some shit like that. Then I could take notes and put MY OWN WORDS…or ask if I could interpolate (I don’t know if it exists in papers…but I know it exists in music)…..into the notes….Then that simple A+ would have passed me by and nobody would get so pissed at me….not even myself….But you know fucking what? I DIDN’T, and that is what’s haunting me right now, possibly for a while. That’s when my contemplation of drinking chocolate red wine and overdosing on my night pills comes in….alcohol and overdose……for what I chose to do, not the prof, not my exes, just myself. To wish death upon myself, that would be like trying 500 shots of vodka and 25 doses of the night pills. So, that would not work out……killing myself over a fucking crossed line would make me go to hell even faster…..and then I would just be another of Satan’s wives: a dead yet fresh piece of marbled meat for him and his children to eat….then I’m just a ghost on Earth, haunting myself into Hades.
So, to answer the fourth question, is to say….never, ever, put your ex’s name into your mouth. How would he feel, had I been careful and restrained from putting his name on FB, or any other site for that matter? He would appreciate me more, would he not? Of course, he would, so……since time moves forward, and not backward……I wouldn’t take it, so no. God will never ask me or anyone that damn question.
You answer the last question, I can’t have. Since I’m 21, and this is my first day as a woman, who just fucked herself and her life up for her own damn self, it’s time I stand up on my own two feet and let myself put up boundaries for all the world to see. Cry I don’t want to, but feel sorry for me, no one can anymore….at least for now, so let the tears fall, I will. Why? Because my fault it is.
If anything from this at all I must take away, this it is: Consequences actions have, the worst of all suicide is. The best of consequences I must make. For a while, pain I will feel, but move on and make a new life out of this I must. A long time before I get this new life it might be…..but failed everyone I have, and again I must never do.
Sorry for all ten years of bullshit I sincerely am, but make it up to me God will. Drinking I feel like as thinking about my mistakes I am, but cause more problems in the long run, drinking will. Crowd my head for a while, this mistake will, but do again I never will. Lose sleep for a while I might. Say I’m a be a dinosaur fossil when trust comes back, I can’t.
If forgive me you decide to, teach the next generation not to make the same mistakes I will. Anything that will involve wisdom spreading and learning, I will do. No more sex until marriage my life will involve. If come back my soon-to-be ex decides to, the thoughts I will spill. So on this please decide. On my own, my decision I will make. Years trust takes to make, on second trust is broken, til death it will take to get trust back.
Accept the apology I hope you do. For now, for a while, and certainly not forever, about the mistake I made, I will cry over again.
-Megan Linda Sparks