I make plans, get ready for those plans to be executed….and then the word “No” comes out of my grandmother’s lips, crashing my world down in the process.
For other people, they have to accept that answer and wait another time. For me, however…I get so pissed the fuck off to the point of vandalizing a place for the hell of that word of letdown, and, in the process of destruction, I put myself down. Plus some people don’t trust me anymore nor do they contact me anymore because I lie too much. If I had one wish left, then I would wish that trust back and restore my bridges to them once and for all. But all the wishes are in Hell’s Coca Cola bottle, dead and ready to be tossed aside for the rest of eternity…..Hell, I can’t blame others for my compulsive lying, and that pisses me off a little bit, too. But, what am I to do now? I keep asking myself this question every day and I get no answer from anyone, nor even myself. The question that makes me want to cry is: Where do I go from here? Where? If there is anything I learned from Professor Wood after failing English again, it’s never to plagiarize and always to ask for help when stuck in a rut…..and to keep myself from using Facebook too often, which is what I’m doing and need to stop doing. Habits die hard, especially the old ones. It sucks to start lessening shit that will make me lonely in the long run, but I have to sacrifice every bad habit to make my life better. Even if it means erasing Facebook from my routine in school to focus on school in the long run, that’s what it’ll have to mean. I’m just saying, if I make a big change in my habitual routine, that will make people see what kind of a new spirited person I really am.
Moral of the story: I should not make everything out of control. I should make everything in control. The fucking end of story.
For those who don’t understand, I have bipolar disorder, and that will make me the homeless bitch who will end up in the mental hospital with nobody to support and the hard way on its way to murder me with hypoglycemia and a heart attack….If either one or both happen and I die of the heart attack…then I’m never going to heaven….like, I can’t explain my guilt except: Jesus, I didn’t try to get over myself, and that’s why I plead guilty on all my sins. Period.
If anyone wants me to say I’m guilty for being pissed off the word “no”….don’t expect me to post an angry post at you, please…..damn my anger on the word “no”. Damn it.