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All posts for the month September, 2015

Things That Piss Me The Fuck Off Tuesday: The Vocal’s So Dreaded I’d Rather Concentrate To Deadmau5 Than That Shit Edition (9/15/15)

Published September 15, 2015 by swanielwolfambrosia2010

Brothers + Sisters of the International Social Scene:

I have 2 questions that need a definitively precise answer:

Why is it that I have a strong, beautifully crafted singing voice of Soprano, with 6 years of middle and high school choral experience, but my own mother, out of all the people of the world, has a singing voice so fucking terrible I’d rather run away with Kristen Jaymes Stewart and Caitlyn Jenner and never come out of Hollywood again than listen to her fail at singing every time I turn around to hear her dreadful out of tune singing to Metallica?

If the statement in the first question is true…then am I the only person whose perfect pitch voice was, is, and NEVER, EVER will be compared with such garbage as the off-pitch singing of a relative?

I just wanted to put this out there, and….I may make this short as shit, but, right now, Mom… I have something to say about your Big 8 job:  You shouldn’t have quit that job for Social Security.  Just saying.

♥Rose♥

The 2015 You Might Be A Redneck If… Calendar Archive: January 2015-September 09, 2015

Published September 10, 2015 by swanielwolfambrosia2010

Saturday, January 24-Sunday, January 25:  If you’ve ever stolen toilet paper, You Might Be A Redneck.

Monday, January 26:  If you’ve ever drunk box wine from a Pringles can, You Might Be A Redneck.

Tuesday, January 27:  If you move your trailer 50 feet so you can use your neighbor’s Wi-Fi, You Might Be A Redneck.

Wednesday, January 28:  If you remember exactly where you were when you heard Hostess had gone bankrupt, You Might Be A Redneck.

Thursday, January 29:  If people hear your car a long time before they see it, You Might Be A Redneck.

Friday, January 30:  If you’ve never owned a vehicle with working windshield wipers, You Might Be A Redneck.

Saturday, January 31-Sunday, February 1:  If you can smoke a cigarette while taking a shower, You Might Be A Redneck.

Monday, February 2:  If your dog + your wallet are on the chain, You Might Be A Redneck.

Tuesday, February 3:  If there’s a Nixon-Agnew sticker on your family car, You Might Be A Redneck.

Wednesday, February 4:  If you’ve yelled introductions from your toilet, You Might Be A Redneck.

Thursday, February 5:  If Jack Daniels makes your list of most admired people, You Might Be A Redneck.

Friday, February 6:  If your dog was ever paraded before a jury, You Might Be A Redneck.

Saturday, February 7-Sunday, February 8:  If your wife has a beer belly + you find it attractive, You Might Be A Redneck.

Monday, February 9:  If you’ve ever begun a letter with “Dearest Bubba Jr.”, You Might Be A Redneck.

Tuesday, February 10:  If going to the bathroom at night involves shoes + a flashlight, You Might Be A Redneck.

Wednesday, February 11:  If you use a Sham Wow as a doily, You Might Be A Redneck.

Thursday, February 12:  If you regularly light your cigarettes off a stovetop burner, You Might Be A Redneck.

Friday, February 13:  If you were texting during your driving test, You Might Be A Redneck.

Saturday, February 14-Sunday, February 15:  If you’ve ever been too drunk to fish, You Might Be A Redneck.

Monday, February 16:  If nothing on Hoarders shocks you, You Might Be A Redneck.

Tuesday, February 17:  If most of your family photos were taken by law enforcement, You Might Be A Redneck.

Wednesday, February 18:  If your only condiment on the dining room table is an economy size bottle of ketchup, You Might Be A Redneck.

Thursday. February 19:  If you have a dedicated “Beer Fridge” in the garage, You Might Be A Redneck.

Friday, February 20:  If you’ve worn a tube top to a wedding, You Might Be A Redneck.

Saturday, February 21-Sunday, February 22:  If your sectional sofa didn’t use to be, You Might Be A Redneck.

Monday, February 23:  If you think the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time, You Might Be A Redneck.

Tuesday, February 24:  If you check your tire pressure daily but never check your blood pressure, You Might Be A Redneck.

Wednesday, February 25:  If you had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures, You Might Be A Redneck.

Thursday, February 26:  If you’ve driven over 500 miles with a deer on your hood, You Might Be A Redneck.

Friday, February 27:  If your belt buckle weighs more than 3 pounds, You Might Be A Redneck.

Saturday, February 28-Sunday, March 1:  If your idea of talking during sex is “Ain’t no cars coming, baby!”, You Might Be A Redneck.

Monday, March 2:  If someone hits your parked car + you don’t care, You Might Be A Redneck.

Tuesday, March 3:  If you use your bath chair for company, You Might Be A Redneck.

Wednesday, March 4:  If your wife’s fur coat is her regular coat inside out, You Might Be A Redneck.

Thursday, March 5:  If the tobacco chewers in your family aren’t just men, You Might Be A Redneck.

Friday, March 6:  If you hit on your marriage counselor, You Might Be A Redneck.

Saturday, March 7-Sunday, March 8:  If you wake up with both a black eye + a hickey, You Might Be A Redneck.

Monday, March 9:  If the cleanest your yard gets is after a flood, You Might Be A Redneck.

Tuesday, March 10:  If your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events, You Might Be A Redneck.

Wednesday, March 11:  If your wife’s “indoor voice” can be heard a block away, You Might Be A Redneck.

Thursday, March 12:  If your 80 gallon trash can doubles as a table, You Might Be A Redneck.

Friday, March 13:  If taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen, You Might Be A Redneck.

Saturday, March 14-Sunday, March 15:  If there’s always dog drool + Cheetos dust on your sofa, You Might Be A Redneck.

Monday, March 16:  If your child’s first words were “Attention K-Mart Shoppers”, You Might Be A Redneck.

Tuesday, March 17:  If the emissions technician starts laughing as you pull up, You Might Be A Redneck.

Wednesday, March 18:  If there are half a dozen “No Hunting” signs stuffed into your truck, You Might Be A Redneck.

Thursday, March 19:  If you bring your dog to work with you, You Might Be A Redneck.

Friday, March 20:  If you buy your wife tube socks at the flea market, You Might Be A Redneck.

Saturday, March 21-Sunday, March 22:  If you wear cowboy boots with Bermuda shorts, You Might Be A Redneck.

Monday, March 23:  If you name your twin sons Copen and Hagen, You Might Be A Redneck.

Tuesday, March 24:  If you’ve ever shown a picture of Dog The Bounty Hunter to your hair stylist, You Might Be A Redneck.

Wednesday, March 25: If you have a hook in your shower to hang your hat on, You Might Be A Redneck.

Thursday, March 26:  If your dogs follow you into the restroom, You Might Be A Redneck.

Friday, March 27:  If you made your first slingshot from your grandma’s bra, You Might Be A Redneck.

Saturday, March 28-Sunday, March 29:  If you consider orange peels left on the coffee table potpourri, You Might Be A Redneck.

Monday, March 30:  If you grow flowers in an old commode in your front yard, You Might Be A Redneck.

Tuesday, March 31:  If your driving kills more wildlife than your hunting, You Might Be A Redneck.

Wednesday, April 1:  If your toilet has been running constantly since 1996, You Might Be A Redneck.

Thursday, April 2:  If you can’t take a bath because beer is iced down in your tub, You Might Be A Redneck.

Friday, April 3:  If whoever came up with “bottomless fries” had never seen your family eat, You Might Be A Redneck.

Saturday, April 4-Sunday, April 5: If you’ve ever picked up a woman in a convenience store, You Might Be A Redneck.

Monday, April 6:  If you said your wedding vows while watching a football game out of the corner of your eye, You Might Be A Redneck.

Tuesday, April 7:  If you retired within a week of leaving high school, You Might Be A Redneck.

Wednesday, April 8:  If the chip on your shoulder is barbecue flavor, You Might Be A Redneck.

Thursday, April 9:  If your hometown is an RV park, You Might Be A Redneck.

Friday, April 10:  If you’ve ever been passed by the vehicle you are towing, You Might Be A Redneck.

Saturday, April 11-Sunday, April 12:  If you don’t think reading should be a requirement for high-school graduation, You Might Be A Redneck.

Monday, April 13:  If there are more lies than references on your resume, You Might Be A Redneck.

Tuesday, April 14:  If you can see four decades of General Motors products from your kitchen window, You Might Be A Redneck.

Wednesday, April 15:  If you’ve never owned a vehicle that would fit in a regular parking spot, You Might Be A Redneck.

Thursday, April 16:  If your salon is also an auto parts store, You Might Be A Redneck.

Friday, April 17:  If your firearms collection is illegal anywhere in the world, You Might Be A Redneck.

Saturday, April 18-Sunday, April 19: If you think The Lord of the Rings is a wrestler, You Might Be A Redneck.

Monday, April 20:  If you think Chanel No. 5 is what your wife watches all day, You Might Be A Redneck.

Tuesday, April 21:  If you were related to more than half the kids on your school bus, You Might Be A Redneck.

Wednesday, April 22:  If your porch swing is a tire swing, You Might Be A Redneck.

Thursday, April 23:  If the only matching outfit you’ve ever worn was in jail, You Might Be A Redneck.

Friday, April 24:  If you’ve ever phoned your mama while sitting on the toilet, You Might Be A Redneck.

Saturday, April 25-Sunday, April 26:  If your front yard doubles as a go-kart track, You Might Be A Redneck.

Monday, April 27:  If the only gated community you’ve ever visited was a correctional facility, You Might Be A Redneck.

Tuesday, April 28:  If your bra size has a comma in it, You Might Be A Redneck.

Wednesday, April 29:  If there is an electronic singing fish in more than 3 rooms of your house, You Might Be A Redneck.

Thursday, April 30:  If the “Just Married” sign in your car’s rear windshield is semi-permanent, You Might Be A Redneck.

Friday, May 1:  If no one is wearing sleeves in your wedding photos, You Might Be A Redneck.

Saturday, May 2-Sunday, May 3:  If the mud in your yard extends halfway across the front room, You Might Be A Redneck.

Monday, May 4:  If you have reserved parking at Arby’s, You Might Be A Redneck.

Tuesday, May 5:  If raccoons skip your trash can, You Might Be A Redneck.

Wednesday, May 6:  If you’ve ever used jumping cables to start your washing machine, You Might Be A Redneck.

Thursday, May 7:  If you were born with a spork in your mouth, You Might Be A Redneck.

Friday, May 8:  If everyone in your family is holding a weapon, You Might Be A Redneck.

Saturday, May 9-Sunday, May 10:  If you’ve given ammunition as a Mother’s Day gift, You Might Be A Redneck.

Monday, May 11:  If you’ve stared into a lava lamp for over half a day, You Might Be A Redneck.

Tuesday, May 12:  If you get a job at the dollar store for the employee discount, You Might Be A Redneck.

Wednesday, May 13:  If you carry cigarettes, a cell phone, and car keys in your bra, You Might Be A Redneck.

Thursday, May 14:  If your first question upon being told you have 3 months to live is “Will I miss the Daytona 500?”, You Might Be A Redneck.

Friday, May 15:  If the smoking section is whichever one you’re sitting in, You Might Be A Redneck.

Saturday, May 16-Sunday, May 17:  If the collar on your dog costs more than what you’re wearing, You Might Be A Redneck.

Monday, May 18:  If “Jiggle the Handle” is written in Sharpie on your toilet, You Might Be A Redneck.

Tuesday, May 19:  If the last time you moved your car, you + 2 neighbors were pushing it, You Might Be A Redneck.

Wednesday, May 20:  If you don’t stop arguing with your wife while answering the front door, You Might Be A Redneck.

Thursday, May 21:  If you use White-Out to do a French manicure, You Might Be A Redneck.

Friday, May 22:  If you inherited a collection of stolen road signs, You Might Be A Redneck.

Saturday, May 23-Sunday, May 24:  If you text more than you talk, You Might Be A Redneck.

Monday, May 25:  If your underwear is older than your wife, You Might Be A Redneck.

Tuesday, May 26:  If you always stop to inspect roadkill, You Might Be A Redneck.

Wednesday, May 27:  If you have the macaroni and cheese cooking instructions memorized, You Might Be A Redneck.

Thursday, May 28:  If you check your lottery numbers daily but never check your credit score, You Might Be A Redneck.

Friday, May 29:  If your wife calls you “Daddy” but your kids don’t, You Might Be A Redneck.

Saturday, May 30-Sunday, May 31:  If you framed your public urination citation, You Might Be A Redneck.

Monday, June 1:  If strangers have to help you push your car out of an intersection at lease once a week, You Might Be A Redneck.

Tuesday, June 2:  If you smelled manure during your wedding, You Might Be A Redneck.

Wednesday, June 3:  If preparing a meal means disturbing a cat, You Might Be A Redneck.

Thursday, June 4:  If found coins form a significant portion of your income, You Might Be A Redneck.

Friday, June 5:  If you’ve shot a possum without getting out of bed, You Might Be A Redneck.

Saturday, June 6-Sunday, June 7:  If you need more than one shopping cart at the thrift store, You Might Be A Redneck.

Monday, June 8:  If you know your wife’s bra size but not her eye color, You Might Be A Redneck.

Tuesday, June 9:  If your vanity license plate is misspelled, You Might Be A Redneck.

Wednesday, June 10:  If the person who stole your identity made a poor choice, You Might Be A Redneck.

Thursday, June 11:  If nobody want to sit next to you at Little League games, You Might Be A Redneck.

Friday, June 12:  If you’ve never been arrested with a shirt on, You Might Be A Redneck.

Saturday, June 13-Sunday, June 14:  If you think the Royal Family is Count Chocula, Burger King, + the Dukes of Hazzard, You Might Be A Redneck.

Monday, June 15:  If you’ve ever “borrowed” a urine sample, You Might Be A Redneck.

Tuesday, June 16:  If your pastor drives a monster truck, You Might Be A Redneck.

Wednesday, June 17:  If cutting your fingernails is a two man job, You Might Be A Redneck.

Thursday, June 18:  If you’ve used duct tape over an old wound, You Might Be A Redneck.

Friday, June 19:  If the National Guard is jealous of your firearms collection, You Might Be A Redneck.

Saturday, June 20-Sunday, June 21:  If starting your car requires another car, You Might Be A Redneck.

Monday, June 22:  If your plumbing gets mistaken for paranormal activity, You Might Be A Redneck.

Tuesday, June 23:  If your best jacket has a hood, You Might Be A Redneck.

Wednesday, June 24:  If you think Facebook is where the police keep their mug shots, You Might Be A Redneck.

Thursday, June 25:  If there are spit cups at your Bible study, You Might Be A Redneck.

Friday, June 26:  If there’s nothing skinny about your skinny-dipping, You Might Be A Redneck.

Saturday, June 27-Sunday, June 28:  If your deck has been mistaken for a recycling center, You Might Be A Redneck.

Monday, June 29:  If you’ve ever flashed your Costco card to impress a date, You Might Be A Redneck.

Tuesday, June 30:  If you refuse to eat hushpuppies because you’re a dog lover, You Might Be A Redneck.

Wednesday, July 1:  If one car leaving your driveway involves 5 being moved, You Might Be A Redneck.

Thursday, July 2:  If someone mentions your stepdad + you reply, “Which one?”, You Might Be A Redneck.

Friday, July 3:  If you responded “Seriously?” during your wedding vows, You Might Be A Redneck.

Saturday, July 4-Sunday, June 5:  If your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand, You Might Be A Redneck.

Monday, July 6:  If you’ve ever mooned somebody from a Ferris wheel, You Might Be A Redneck.

Tuesday, July 7:  If every meal you eat involves something in a bun, You Might Be A Redneck.

Wednesday, July 8:  If there are bumper stickers on your coffee table, You Might Be A Redneck.

Thursday, July 9:  If you were baptized on a Slip ‘N Slide, You Might Be A Redneck.

Friday, July 10:  If you’ve ever backed up a quarter mile to retrieve a stray mattress, You Might Be A Redneck.

Saturday, July 11-Sunday, July 12:  If your place of business is towed behind your truck, You Might Be A Redneck.

Monday, July 13:  If the deciding factor when buying a home is its proximity to a liquor store, You Might Be A Redneck.

Tuesday, July 14:  If every window in your home is covered with muddy paw prints, You Might Be A Redneck.

Wednesday, July 15:  If the photo lab calls the police after developing your film, You Might Be A Redneck.

Thursday, July 16:  If your car has seat covers over seat covers, You Might Be A Redneck.

Friday, July 17:  If your wedding cake was decorated with Cheese Whiz, You Might Be A Redneck.

Saturday, July 18-Sunday, July 19:  If your bra doubles as a purse, You Might Be A Redneck.

Monday, July 20:  If the curtains in your living room are camouflage, You Might Be A Redneck.

Tuesday, July 21:  If your dream car only makes left turns, You Might Be A Redneck.

Wednesday, July 22:  If you want your Camaro + Coors Light mentioned on your headstone, You Might Be A Redneck.

Thursday, July 23:  If any of your pets came with the house, You Might Be A Redneck.

Friday, July 24:  If some of the faces on you family reunion have been digitally blurred, You Might Be A Redneck.

Saturday, July 25-Sunday, July 26:  If the gas in your riding mower was previously in your bass boat + before that in your truck, You Might Be A Redneck.

Monday, July 27:  If you’ve ever cleared a space in your yard for UFOs to land, You Might Be A Redneck.

Tuesday, July 28:  If you own more cars than socks, You Might Be A Redneck.

Wednesday, July 29:  If what the world sees as roadkill, you see as new boots, You Might Be A Redneck.

Thursday, July 30:  If everything in your freezer was caught, not bought, You Might Be A Redneck.

Friday, July 31:  If more than one person yelled “Don’t do it!” during your wedding vows, You Might Be A Redneck.

Saturday, August 1-Sunday, August 2:  If you make more than five bucks a week from take a penny give a penny trays, You Might Be A Redneck.

Monday, August 3:  If the staff in the dollar store knows you by your first name, You Might Be A Redneck.

Tuesday, August 4:  If you always to pretend to take a phone message, but never write anything down, You Might Be A Redneck.

Wednesday, August 5:  If you take more than one magazine with you to the bathroom, You Might Be A Redneck.

Thursday, August 6:  If your beauty mark was a tick, You Might Be A Redneck.

Friday, August 7:  If you’ve ever applied makeup with a caulk gun, You Might Be A Redneck.

Saturday, August 8-Sunday, August 9:  If the white lettering on your tires is in your handwriting, You Might Be A Redneck.

Monday, August 10:  If you’ve inflated an airbed with a leaf blower, You Might Be A Redneck.

Tuesday, August 11:  If a pest control service uses your home as a “before” photo, You Might Be A Redneck.

Wednesday, August 12:  If you pop your hood more than four times a day, You Might Be A Redneck.

Thursday, August 13:  If you think two go the Seven Wonders of the World belong to Dolly Parton, You Might Be A Redneck.

Friday, August 14:  If your home contains more TVs than pens, You Might Be A Redneck.

Saturday, August 15-Sunday, August 16:  If the wedding bouquet gave the bride a rash, You Might Be A Redneck.

Monday, August 17:  If you can take off your bra while driving, You Might Be A Redneck.

Tuesday, August 18:  If there are commemorative “I Survived” shirts at your family reunion, You Might Be A Redneck.

Wednesday, August 19:  If you put sugar on Frosted Flakes, You Might Be A Redneck.

Thursday, August 20:  If you’ve ever sprained your wrist while high-fiving, You Might Be A Redneck.

Friday, August 21:  If your birthstone is gravel, You Might Be A Redneck.

Saturday, August 22-Sunday, August 23:  If your “outdoor cat’ doesn’t want to be, You Might Be A Redneck.

Monday, August 24:  If you refer to your wedding day as “The Beginning of the End”, You Might Be A Redneck.

Tuesday, August 25:  If following your truck is hazardous in multiple ways, You Might Be A Redneck.

Wednesday, August 26:  If you select a date’s corsage to match her tattoo, You Might Be A Redneck.

Thursday, August 27:  If you named your truck, You Might Be A Redneck.

Friday, August 28:  If you pawned one wedding ring to pay for another, You Might Be A Redneck.

Saturday, August 29-Sunday, August 30:  If you pawned one wedding ring to pay for another, You Might Be A Redneck.

Monday, August 31:  If you’ve ever written your resume on a cocktail napkin, You Might Be A Redneck.

Tuesday, September 1:  If there’s a can holder in your shower, You Might Be A Redneck.

Wednesday, September 2:  If the dog groomer charges you double, You Might Be A Redneck.

Thursday, September 3:  If the mechanic has to sit down for a few minutes after looking under the hood of your car, You Might Be A Redneck.

Friday, September 4:  If you call your boss “Dude”, You Might Be A Redneck.

Saturday, September 5-Sunday, September 6:  If you don’t need a clean shirt to go to work, You Might Be A Redneck.

Monday, September 7:  If you’re always asked to step to one side at airport security, You Might Be A Redneck.

Tuesday, September 8:  If anyone spat out their beer when the bride said, “I do”, You Might Be A Redneck.

Wednesday, September 9:  If the pink flamingoes in your yard ceased to pink sometime in the 90s, You Might Be A Redneck.

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