I’m One Step Closer To the Edge/And I’m About To Break… -Linkin Park, One Step Closer
This lyric has hit home too many times. Yesterday was one of them. I ripped someone off way more than I should have, which is never, and now I wish I had the ability to rip every Republican out of their money, savings accounts included. In other words: I wish I didn’t. It led me to thinking suicidally, which led to many people in my mind going to visit my grave over something that ultimately the fucking truth, which is the bitterest dose of my own medicine to date. It pissed me off so badly, I slammed doors and nearly broke holes in the wall. Yes, I relapsed myself. Was it necessary or uncalled-for? It was very self-disrespectful, and totally uncalled-for. Was it worth the destructive behavior I caused towards Father? Absolutely not. Will yesterday teach me a hugely valuable lesson in lesbianism, poverty, loneliness, and old age? If I don’t force-feed myself this damn bitter dose of my own bullshit, then yes. Yes it will, every damn motherfucking day for the rest of my life. The taste is so shitty and so bitter, that it’s really going to motherfucking stain me for a long, long, long, long time. I better teach myself how not to steal ever again, even if it means having to take 3 hours of long walks in the park without my cell phone in my presence every day to prevent any future destructive behaviors inside this place or anywhere else for that matter, even if it means having to play loud ass heavy metal to calm myself down, even if it means just not saying or doing anything stupid anymore by forcing myself into walking in extremely cold weather, and hope to God I don’t die of hypothermia….that is, if people don’t find me first. I just…..need to fucking find something else to do for work, otherwise my life is over and there’s nothing I can do about it. The life I’ll be forced to live is filled with stripping, lesbians, poverty…..and……if I don’t want any of that……..Now is the time for me to grow up, otherwise the hard way will claim a new victim very soon enough. Nobody I have in my life will want me anymore if I become a force-fed lesbian from jail. My own medicine is so fucking bitter. I wish it just wasn’t, but I’ll eat my own sin and my own bullshit, anyway. It’s the only fucking way I’ll woman up to everything I did wrong. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to cry…..yet again. I’m sorry.